OrdinaryMe

2010-10-06T01:58:00.002+08:00

summer has come and past,
the innocent can never last,
wake me up when september ends.

school's out. Just like that, the first semester of university turned on its heel and sped into the past. I wish i had more time. I wish i was more prepared. I wish i could do more. But time has its limits, there's only 24hours in a day afterall. You fight like crazy to stay afloat in this storm ravaged sea and after all that has been said and done, what's left is only hope and prayers.

University...not quite what i've expected it to be. Too much responsibility. Too much expectations. Too much self-reliance. I'd be the first to admit i'm not the poster child of an independant strong individual. But hey, we all learn and cope in time. It befundles me how some, even amidst fun and games, still manage to score well. Does it truly boil down to 'smarts'. Having spend four months in our local institution, I'd say the answer is probably yes. In secondary school, even in junior college, there'd always be the 'dai(1) che(1) wei(3)"s. The equivalent of slackers and cushion-at-the -bottoms. So even when you're not putting in your 100% its ok, as awful as that makes me sound. But at university level, its a whole different ball game. When everyone is THIS hardworking, its hard fought not to panic a little. Whats unfortunate is that when everyone is on the same par in terms of hardwork, it all boils down to intellect. Who absorbs the most? Who understands the quickest? Who adapts the fastest? Its really an exemplery manifestation of darwin's theory of evolution - The strongest survive. As simple as that. As one of my more well-learned friends endearingly said, its hard to be on top when everyone here are 'long(2) de(4) chuan(2) ren(2)' which bluntly translates to the descendants of dragons. You'd soon notice frequent injections of chinese phrases and that's probably cause of the current environment i'm in and that's alright i guess. I just hope my english standards don't slide too much.

I won't deny that i do have doubts about my place in engineering. Its an awful place to be for one who isn't equipped with the 'smarts' to survive. Each step is an uphill battle and throughout the whole semester, there was a lingering thought that perhaps I belong somewhere else. Of where I can't be certain. A part of me leans toward the arts like a sunflower drawn to the sun but hey I'm no big fan of 10000word essays though i think i can probably hold my own in terms of writing. At this point, i just dont know.

Lamentations. Its all a load of crap. cest la vie.

2010-09-08T21:32:00.004+08:00

something i dreamed up in the quiet of the night, lying on my bed trying to catch some sleep. nothing much really, just random jibberish

Insomniacs

thump thump its in my head
the sound of thunder
the walls are breathing
an audible sighh..
the night's pass young

a deep black void
i close my eyes
i hear it, yes
the sound of fear
sleep eludes me

a point of contact
i take the leap
i said hi and you said sleep
did you know?
fear has a heartbeat

i'm on my feet
running, falling, dancing, creeping
hands reaching
grasping for a tale
a dream.

A Dream, A Dream
one half full and the other half empty
make it one and alas,
its just a full empty scheme

oh dear old fear!
you're never too far.
a strand of thought,
a battle i fought
a lie i bought
a dream i sought
a scar within the recesses

Insomniacs,
thats just who we are

2010-07-29T01:58:00.000+08:00

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
-Juliet

Reading Romeo and Juliet seems to have caused an inner stirring of emotions. It's unfathomable how some can entirely disregard their emotions and live everyday devoid of it. To each their own seems to me, more an excuse than an answer. I confess, I'm rather idealistic when it comes to romance. Don't we all have a thought to our own interpretation of love? Some adopt a more practical approach, others methodical; and even still some prefer to ignore it entirely. I do worry at times, when i ponder about the imminent future, this vision of loneliness and solitude that surrounds me. Is this version of a future probable? yes, because not everyone gets to have a go at this thing called love. The white picket fence is but a dream for some. I do not pretend not to worry for as a wise friend once told me; partners(and later, even more so family) will always come before friends and as we trek towards that future, friends will invariably devote much of their time to other more pressing causes than you. And hereafter, lies my worry.

For thy lovebird beckons within; trapped and starved of its staple food.
Oh how illusive art thee; so wherefore art thou, love?

So I haven't been updating this musky old blog for some time. Inspiration doesn't always hit and when it does I'm always in the middle of doing something. And when I finally get to it, I find it too has deserted me. Leaving behind traces of thoughts, like the whiff of a lover's worn perfume, that which strings together an incoherent, disconcerting mess, leaving much to be desired. So i end up saving it in my computer, those half-written proses decaying in the bits and bytes of my hard drive. Maybe someday, they might survive to see the light of the world wide web.

Inspiration, for me, is like a hummingbird high on redbull. Thoughts process at impossibly fast paces, darting in and out of focus. One moment it's on the surface, the next its lost in the recesses of my thoughts. And its almost always involuntary, there is no control as to when and how to retrieve them. Quite unlike hard facts, which is stored in tidy cabinets ready to be examined. Which is why I don't much fancy the arts students with their knee-high readings to complete each week, and their 10k word essays to submit, all at the whim of their wits and inspiration.

Words seem to be spilling out of my mind as my fingers dabble away on the keyboard now that the silence has been broken. But enough for now, there is more come morrow.

2010-05-20T01:56:00.006+08:00

100 years - Five for Fighting

15 there's still time for you.
Time to buy and time to choose.

One of the songs that has always struck a personal chord with me since I'm always lamenting about how time and tide waits for no man. I wish I could buy more time - time to choose my options; time to figure out what I want in life before it runs out on me. We've all been 15; all had our fair share of time to decide on our interest and direction in life. As we approach our quarter-lifes, I believe we will soon find that the luxury of time isn't in our court anymore and that it is time to make our choice. I just hope that when I reach mid-life, I would be able to look back and say to myself: that 'yes, I made the right decision.' Don't we all?

On the same note of making choices, a dillema has been passed into my court as of late. A choice between pursuing a degree of (almost)interest or one of practicality. Though I severely suspect I'm the first Singaporean to have been presented this dillema in light of the academic stigma which plagues our youths living in this development-centric society we call our home. Singapore or its people and government, has always prided itself on its pragmatism. To look pass the clutter and focus on what is practical, that which would aid Singapore to develop and stay in the forefront of the world stage. It is afterall, a founding quality of our forefathers and what got us to where we are today. It is in the pledge we recite "so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation." and ultimately, imbibed in the young minds of the generation that has and will, in the future, take over the works of our forefathers. Ironically, happiness is lumped together with(and even placed in front of) prosperity and progress for our nation; a quality I feel that has taken a backseat 'in the best interest of Singapore'. Perhaps our forefathers saw the imminent threat and problem that may arise and deliberately placed the qualities together. Afterall, who likes to think of themselves as tools in the grand scheme of things. I may have come off slightly cynical, but I meant no disrespect or illwill. There is no shame in pursuing one's interest, the government's that is. No matter, it is of one's own choice to decide our own future. No one is pointing a gun into the back of our heads to force us into a decision though quite literally, it feels like that's the case; a do-or-die sort of mentality.

I just wish I had a clearer solution in mind. One that would encompass the best of both worlds. Alas, a decision has to be made at the end of May and honestly, if you asked me, an option is better than none. Make no mistake that I thank God for delivering this miracle right into my life.

2010-05-17T04:16:00.002+08:00

It is said that National Service turns boys into men. From this sweeping statement one would naturally assume that the experience and lessons one learns from the army is the driving force behind this radical change in one's personality. While I did personally feel a change in my psyche; in the way i think and process information and the world around me, I will not hasten to jump to any unfounded conclusions as to attribute this change solely to my 2-year Army stint. Alas, the experience I recieved during NS, albeit valuable, had as much effect on my general psyche as would a lesson on NE. Then again, I would not have given up on any one piece of experience I have had. It is, in the least, a memory to treasure and store along life's journey. That, however, isn't the point of this post, the point that I wish to make known is that what I believe to be the driving force behind this change in my personality could quite possibly be attributed to the development of rational thinking and the harsh decisions that were forcefully placed on my path to consider.

As adolescents in our early stage of life, we lack rational thinking. That's why kids are that much easier to trick, that much easier to convince, and that much easier to satisfy. In a sense, it is what innocence is made of. I guess it is partly why in the court of law, kids are sentenced to juvenile detention instead of a jail term. Kids lack rational thinking and thus, are easily suayed by peer pressure or a negative adult influence, into doing things that does not necessarily born form their own intentions. Thus far, it is my belief that we reach that maturity, when the development of the part of our brain that governs rational thinking comes into its peak, at around the time we are serving NS. The evidence of that is subtle but in abundance. For one, isn't it true that we have started questioning ourselves about everyday life experiences more so than before? And found indelibly, that we grow more dissatisfied with life each time around. Life, in our own context, may not have deprove that significantly to warrant such a radical change but yet these feelings are undeniably real. My only conclusion is that if life didn't change, then we did. Of course, this is just an assumption made by me. There is no statistics to prove like-or-otherwise.

The other factor has more to do with our immediate environment than the former. As a typical Singaporean youth, I would approximate the age one has to start making, or finally realises one is making life changing decisions for oneself to be his early twenties. This is the period that one's future prospect becomes not a distant dream but an imminent lifeline. Reality has caught up with our dreams whether we like it or not. This is the time we begin seriously examining our options with fear and anxiety; the time we chart our route in life, and the time procrastination reaches a dead end. Here on out, we face multiple crossroads, ups and downs, success and failure, hope and regret all driven by the decisions we make in everyday life. If the past 20 years of our life is the run-down to the edge of the cliff then the only step left is to take that leap of faith off the cliff. Whether we soar high above or fall down below is really up to one's aptitude and that I believe is what turns boys into men. Or for that matter, a child into an adult.

2010-05-05T02:03:00.003+08:00

same image taken a few minutes apart,
sunset and twilight

the former. A glowing hue of silver illuminating the last few minutes of daylight as the earth, commited to its age-defined tradition, pulls away from the warmth glow of the sun.

the latter. An iridescent paintjob of an artist-by-day who had only a few seconds left to showcase his work-of-art. As the last rays of light manage to hit the horizon, a golden hue is splashed across fine lines.

Watching the last light fall beneath the horizon, it struck me how such a drastic change can occur in such deathly silence and better yet, goes unnoticed. Even for the onlooker, it wasn't something I would have saw immediately if not for the photo evidence. Like the draw of a sunflower to the light or the widening petals of a morning glory at dawn, the phase from sunset to twilight or even the drift of a relationship occur at relatively unnoticeable degrees. Which goes to show we should take notice of the little things that happen in our lifes before it is too late; when the change is done and you are left with a gaping hole, wondering when the hole was dug and how it went by unnoticed.

2010-04-28T20:25:00.004+08:00

5months after ORD; and yet again, i ponder.

ORD spelled freedom for most, if not all of us. But it brought forth yet another aspect of life - work. For the next 8months, while we await anxiously for the forthcoming of the 'big day' we return to school and once more don our thinking caps, most would invariably have a brief interception in the world we would come to know as 'the workforce'. While most of my peers chose to dabble with a more, shall i hazard to say, 'respectable' work(i.e. teaching, administratives in banks, offices, MNCs) , I however landed myself in the service sector where dealing with ill-mannered collegues and customers seem to be the order of the day. So why exactly did I choose this path for myself? Unfortunately, I cannot seem to arrive at a satisfactory enough reply to even answer myself. Perhaps, it had something to do with self-worth. Or it could quite simply have been my sloth getting the better of me. In any case, I am now bounded by contract which I fear to break in view of undue criticism. Somehow, I got myself into a situation which I detest more than any the Army had presented me. Funny how things work out. BUT...
In the spirit of triump through adversity, I shall persevere!
In the spirit of optimism, I shall learn something out of this horrible experience.
And as a prelude, this is what I have learnt about myself;

I, for the love of God, absolutely CANNOT multi-task. It is simply not an available function in my brain. The system is pathologically flawed!! I cannot do anything about it. When orders are coming in left, right and center, the only thing I can do is block out the wayward commands and focus solely on the one directly in front to keep from getting overwhelmed. The situation is THAT dire. And perhaps its for the same reason I cannot play sports like soccer and basketball where being aware of your surroundings is a requirement while you dribble away with the ball. Often, I find myself too engrossed in managing the ball I forget that people are closing in, both opponents and teammates. The next thing I know, the ball goes missing. If I am not made to multi-task then who am I to debase that. I rest my case.

I abhor the accusing finger directed at me. In other words, I hate to be wrong. Though to err is only human, I would be the first to graciously admit that I make mistakes on a regular basis. At times I find myself rising in self-indignation (my temper momentarily uncontrollable) to the accusations, more so if they were groundless ones. I would then proceed to dish out excuses(to myself) to soothe my guilt. But today, it occurred to me the importance of humility in accepting one's shortcomings. Learning is the gaining of wisdom through understanding. Only then can we set the stage for improving. That is not to say it is an easy feat since understanding does not necessarily equate improving(though it definitely sets a good foundation for other things to be built upon it). Because we do not live in a vacuum, so many other factors have to be brought into consideration; one's perseverance and negative externalities to name a few. But that is a whole different story unto itself and I reckon I've managed to bore most by now. So I shall spare most the pain of hearing me regurgitate yet another point of mine.
In the end, the jury is still out on this case. We can only wait and see.

Again, these are just my two pennies worth. You are welcome to disagree.

2010-04-21T22:29:00.004+08:00

Having spent almost 4months with practically no contact or outlets to speak proper English with, I found my verbal aptitude in the language slipping by a landslide. To that I have only myself to blame, for there is no need for a reason to speak proper English, only a lack of resilience to which my current lifestyle entails. Too often I am faced with this predicament, in which the behaviour of one of my friends whom I would prefer not to mention names has elucidated - formal language tends to create formal ties. To be so 'clean and cropped' on my languange usage would be potentially damaging to the bridge of communication that I employ daily with my peers. This is simply a case of the bolt not fitting the socket. Not wishing to shake the group dynamics seem like a valid enough reason to discard any ideas to ramp up on my spoken English. Here on I face a catch-22 that is unique to my situation: Maintain a high standard of oral English and risk being 'out of the circle' or Be an 'insider' and watch my standards slide. Some would say that, as like many things in life, a balance should be struck. But to which cord should it be struck at, I ask? The reality is this, things are always easier said than done; though I do see the rationale behind the balancing act and to that end, I shall sought to find the cord to strike or die trying.
In another case, I had a friend question the authenticity of my writing only because I do not speak the way I write. No offense was taken but here I would like to mention that to speak this way would be to shut out all who do not and as part of a self-persevering species, I can only pick my fights where it can be won.

Now I do hope no one bears any ill feelings for what I have said but if you do take away some, then lets just say it's a case in point.

On the topic of written and spoken English, I do like to point out that though I have had one or two compliments on my written English, which I am extremely grateful for, I would like to illuminate the fact that though some of my writings might have come off the right way, the majority are beautiful nothings. I do sincerely wish I could weave a beautiful essay out of a single statement but the truth is, put me in an examination desk and set me a time constraint and I would have come out with a mediocre essay at best. The 'C' positioned snugly next to the GP in my cert would tell you so. I wish I knew the solution around this problem but right now I can only settle for improving a step at a time. But till then, I find that a friend of mine(yes you Mr Lim Jun Yong) does offer a pretty good gauge to a commendable utility in all facets of the English Language; thought, speech and writing. A couple of minutes at his blog would prove my point.

A friend popped me a message quite recently which got me thinking of the elitism in our society. Incidentally, I chanced upon a relevant straits times article by a former Rafflesian which egged my thought process along its way. When one talks about an elite school, some names would invariably come up; Raffles, Hwa Chong, NJ to name a few, then there is the holy trinity, H-Y-P in the USA and OxBridge in the UK. These are the promised lands of academia. Yes, the prevalence of elitism is in the evidence that brews in the thought processes of our society. They are the elites because we, as a common body, place them there because they are undeniably the best. But to what extent should we rever at their feet? Elitism isn't a bad thing if it promotes healthy competition, albeit its extremity. While at the other end of the spectrum we also know for a fact that elite schools are well known, or should I say notorious, for being a breeding ground for snobs and a sense of superiority amongst their people though lets not hasten to stereotype. I do know of examples who fall outside the cookie-cutter. My point is this, elites or not, everyone has room for improvement and the first step towards that improvement is to accept that exact fact. After that, if you manage to keep improving everytime even if they are baby-steps, the only way you can go is up.

2010-04-08T09:50:00.014+08:00

Chances - Five for Fighting

'Chances are we'll find a new equation..'

To avoid claims of plagarism, I confess that I first chanced upon the song on the dragon's blog. Then came the recognition of an old aquaintance (the song was aired on 'The blind side') which, might i add, was worth every dollar of the movie ticket so watch it if you ever get the chance to.

I came across this quote while reading hamlet(revised) that read - 'Adolescence had changed their relationship, so that the easy familiarity of childhood had given way to a more awkward ebb and flow between them.' Won't you say this describes us to a T? hah..

As always, the month of march hasn't been all fun and laughter. I apologise if I have inundated you guys with any of my woes but come and gone it has; all that is and will be, is left in the hands of fate .

But this time tagged, is a note of finality and close on its heels, a sense of relief chasing away the cloud of anxiety that hovers in the deepest parts of my dreams. The sweet scent of freedom; ease of communication, like my conscience has been cleared of an obstruction, bears witness to it. Or perhaps it was something else I found...
only time will tell.

In any case, some updates ought to be meted out.

1)Underwaterworld/Universal Studios

Work has been an eye-opener. Getting to dabble in people relations and observing interactions between different generations, backgrounds, characters, has provided me with some sort of insight towards working life. If it's anything like what I've seen, I'd say we are pretty much screwed for life; or at least until we reach a 'mental maturity' level to start screwing someone else's life over. Oh what a bunch of self-destructing organisms we are. Not to disclaim all the kindness that I have received from the more well mannered collegues. Disconcertingly, it is to my observation that the miserable counterparts are usually those who are still single. Is this to be the fate of those who are left on the shelf?; to begrudge the happy and disdain the fortunate. What a morose and meaningless life that would be! Of course, I happen to know someone who would wholly disagree upon the aforementioned statements. But look closely, consider that love does make us softer; companionship - less lonely. Yes, I confess that I am a romantic but what is a dove without its wings?

2)Diving[2nd dive trip. Dive no. 6-10.]
Pictures. No words needed.

3)Revelations
I love havng revelations; I find it gives one insight and insight is everything when one's trying to piece together life's great puzzle. (I'm talkin about a gazillion piece puzzle here.)
And if revelations are the end product then thought is the catayst for it but with all the mess and clutter of university applications in the way, I hadn't had the mental stamina or room to house any other forms of thought. I know, I'm a dreadful mess but hopefully, with some 'extra help' I'll finally be abe to clean my act up.
And with all the applications out of the way, I'm finally able to think about other stuffs which is a blessing.

4)'You only need faith to walk on water..too' This is for you.
I read it! And I guess I should thank you for every thought, action, prayer that you have made for my well-being. You are awesome.
Whatever that you were, is inspiration.
Whatever that you are, is hope.
It shouldn't be based on practice but belief. I am certain you agree. So I am waiting for a sign. Or several tiny signs in my case. (I'll explain another time)
Slowly but surely.

2010-02-18T10:50:00.000+08:00

When demand outweighs supply; therein lies the conundrum to our insatiable appetite..

If you were looking at it from a purely economic perspective, a tys answer would have been sufficiently adequate (not that i would remember any); though what i'm looking at is not material desires but emotional needs that go beyond skin-deep and are far more tackier and harder to resolve.

What is it about us that constitutes this need?
the need to be seen. the need to be heard.
the need to be accepted. the need to be appreciated.
the need for love. the need TO BE loved.
the need for recognition.
the need to be RIGHT. the need to correct those that you deem WRONG.

In such cases, demand often outweighs supply because in any situation, one has to give what the other would then take.
Everyone wants to be right; who then is in the wrong?
Everyone wants to be appreciated; who then is the appreciator?
Everyone wants to be heard; who then is willing to lend their ears without first having spoken their peace.
Everyone wants to be loved; who then is willing to give their love without having first been loved?
Man are selfish and immensely needy creatures afterall.
We recognise no desire but our own.
It's not wrong; just ugly.

Of course, these are just my biased opinions; you're welcome to disagree..

2010-01-31T00:12:00.002+08:00

Charles Darwin once proclaimed that it is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives; it is the one that is the most adaptable to change (that ultimately survives the cut). In a cruel yet practical way, evolution had ensured we got to today by retaining the best traits and subsequently eradicating the worst. Bluntly put: you either make it or fall prey to extinction.

In a way, though not as severely, the mechanism that which our society operates upon is much the same as what Darwin had described. Who knew that more than a century down, Darwin's words wound resonate through our social structure like the holy gospel of truth; intrinsically wound into every cell and building block that make up our society. From the very foundational interpersonal relationships up to cliques, groups, communities, and then society; we are but victims of this elaborate play, inexorably drawn towards acting the way that nature had all along intended.

Ask yourself these: Are we not guilty of ostracism? Have we never thought of the weaker links in a social group as redundant or disposable just cause they come with an 'extra care' label and impede our progress? Do we not, on some level of consciousness, sought to be among the higher echelons of a given social hierarchy in a bid for social survival? Do we not bask in the glory of being, even on a purely deceptive level, more adept in some aspects than others are? Do we not, at times, toe the lines of an ethical faux pas just to climb higher up the social ladder? Or in any of the above cases, are prepared to commit said social slander?

Then ask yourself this: Is it necessarily wrong?
In a game of survival, where exactly does morals and ethics come into play? Can we simply abandon what slows us down? Afterall change is what made us the superior species. Could we, by extension, apply the same cruel yet practical method to survive?

I wish a black and white answer is at hand but alas, a jury is there for a reason and thats 'cause we live in an imperfect world where grey seems to be the dominant shade of truth.

Crap. =)

2010-01-22T22:53:00.000+08:00

Dear you,

I have tried (and failed miserably) to tolerate your behavior and have thus concluded that an anonamous letter could be my only way of venting out all frustations without all the messy social implications. So here goes:

You're ridiculously unreasonable, utterly incapable of accomodation and the MOST disagreeable person i have EVER met. Your school of thoughts must be governed by a dictator or you would not have behaved the way you are; a tyrant incapable of housing any other schools of thought but your own. I believe all actions have a reason behind them whether they're a motive or a subconscience behavior. Though I've expended all means to comprehend your actions, I can only conclude that your behavior stems from a profound unimaginable dislike for happy people and a devilish desire to put down whoever you deem content with their life; subsequently devising all means to create discontent and illwill. Either that or you're an idiot with no comprehensible pattern of thought. I'm inclined to believe the former but who knows?

I hate to be blunt but your actions have been nothing but harmful and destructive to the emotional well-being and social welfare of the group. If inference isn't your forte I'll put it even more bluntly; GET LOST. Do not worry, your disappearance would be, I am wholly certain, a cause for celebration. Make no mistake, you will NOT be missed. Champagne bottles would be popped if you left. We hate you THAT much. You have no idea..

How can so many people have a problem with you all at once. Do you not, even for a second, question that maybe its not all 20 of their faults but quite simply just one of yours. Can't your stubborn skull fathom for a minute that perhaps, just perhaps for that .1% possiblity that the problem might just lie with you? Do you not sense the animosity which vines towords your every action and fake smiles? Are you really that dull? I'm not usually one to hate on people but you, my regrettable aqquaintance, has pushed it to its very limit and that i applaud you. I have NEVER EVER met someone with quite the likes of you. I'm amazed. Enough said, now please get lost for all our sakes. =)

2010-01-10T21:45:00.003+08:00

Teacupification.

A scream rings high, in the quiet of the morning,
order is restored; temporary and fleeting.

The additional quirks of profession,
a broom, a mop, a rag, a pail;
waiting for their owners to recover them
and smear them with grime and dirt.
Sweeping hands busy away amidst short exchanges.

A scream rings high in the afternoon pedaling,
order is restored; temporary and fleeting.

The steady hum of machinery,
a caged beast bidding it's time;
waiting for its owner to spring its cage
and set its gears in motion.
Mechanical voices drone ahead amidst incessant chatters.

A scream rings high in the evening racing,
order is restored; temporary and fleeting.

The frenzied scramble of limbs,
a sling broken off a bag, a shirt on a bench
waiting for its owner to don it
and set its sleeves snugly on his shoulders.

Though it was a dreary day,
A thought forms i find
That this might just work out, come what may.

2010-01-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

The past fortnight had seen a flurry of events occurring in my desperate attempt to stem out any redundant free time that I had in my hands. To justify, the uni sem break coinciding with my ORD date did play an important role. Therefore, many thanks go to the organisers (silk hui, izzah, huibing, shurong, pat, yamon..) whose unmitigating efforts in organising such events saved me from turning into a couch potato.

Disclaimer: I've debated with myself whether to skip this entirely but clearly, i haven't. So at this point, I'm about to partake in a little self-obssessing narration of recent going-ons. For those who can't care less, gun your cursor to the litte red box at the top right-hand corner of the screen; relief is but a click away.

The sequence of events, picked off the top of my mind are henceforth, random in nature. Here goes:

Sentosa+Nerds get-up(ogl outing)
Full credits undoubtedly goes to silk hui for her constant, unyielding efforts to create fun and entertaining outings. Much kudos to the quintessential adhesive of the group for always having our interests in mind.

Christmas countdown at timbre(thirTEENS)
The usual entourage of friends save for one anomaly. The beginning of a worrisome trend of absence and a rising fear of yet another loss. This time it may prove to be as imminent as the others had been lest more tact be employed when dealing with this predicament. Though ultimately, the outcome rests in the hands of the accused and h** subsequent motives; a situation that is wholly undesirable in any case. Can the lost sheep please come home? Only time can tell whether our new 'lucky number' will be 10.

Sherlock Holmes with Yamon
Perhaps its the laidback countenance, or the open cut-and-dried comments but whatever it is, it's the reason why our conversations often end with an exposition of the heart and soul. Though I am starting to have reservations and I find myself questioning whether its time to clamp up a little. Me and my over-dramatic life may scare off even the most practiced of minds.
Sherlock Holmes is a worthy movie by the way. The chemistry between the co-stars is so obvious its almost palpable; their rapid crossfiring of conversations and squabblings providing much appreciated humor. Though that could be attributed to their acting skills instead of the alternative since, as I may have remembered, the protaganists did have an overwhelming chemistry between them.

Pulau Ubin(hse exco)
Or rather, a more apt description would be couples retreat plus an extra serving of Jonathan. No thanks to zoe for bailing on me, leaving me alone with the happy couple though their tactful practice did save me from many an awkward situation.
A kayaking trip turned into an exploring expedition when three clueless fools took a misinformed turn down memory lane. To prevent others from suffering a similar fate, please note that for those who wish to relive their OBS kayaking trips, do NOT go to pulau ubin but rather invest your time and energy in obtaining a one-star cert and subsequently, kayak at kallang instead.
Lastly, Pulau Ubin and rain is a bad combination. Armed with nothing but our skin-exposing sleevelesses, we were literally a buffet spread for the mosquitos. Lesson learnt: Mosquito repellants and Pulau Ubin are a good combination!

2010 BBQ celebration(thirTEENS)
My budding attempts at baking cookies all but confirmed an age-old understanding that following the recipe book word-for-word never yields the promised results. In short: Don't trust the book, trust your friend's mother! A change of venue from our usual BBQ haunt provided a fresh change of scenery.
Many thanks to pat for opening the doors to her new home for us to wreck. And also for teaching me the correct pronunciations of salmon and flour. Make no mistake; it is infinitely better to be corrected by a friend who means well than to be humiliated by someone whose intentions are to embarass you.
A personal thank-you to shurong's mother and you(grammatical error) for offering me a ride home, on both accounts and more...

Minds Cafe(hse exco)
I'll just go ahead and be informal about this: You guys are the most amazingly fun and comfortable people to be around and I have the reason. Ask and I'll tell why. On this I have nothing more to add except to meet up more often cause you people make me happy and happy is what everyone needs right now.

To conclude, if you have reached here then you deserve a pat on the back and an apology from me for being such a self obsessing bore. I'm 90% sure not more than 10 people frequent my blog and I've learnt recently to be grateful for all the little things that happen in my life; hence if you're one of the ten then this is me thanking you for all the things you've done for me. Cheers.

2009-12-20T22:26:00.007+08:00

Just a small town girl.
livin' in a lonely world.
She took the midnight train going anywhere.

Just a city boy.
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere.

random updaTE...

FactOne: I'm employed!
At a minute and inconsequential amount of 6.5/hr, I have already foresaw how some, not least of them my dear mother, might frown upon my hasty and unambitious decision to join RWS. Lately, I've been feeling some resentment towards being treated like I'm only an extra pair of arms and legs. Then again, its just another thing i can add to the list of events which seems out of my control. It's just the way the cookie crumbles.

FactTwo: I killed my first cockroach today!
With a full section from The Straits Times and a copious amount of tissue paper and wipes, i managed to eradicate that little invasive and repulsive; positively ancient critter. I developed an irrational fear of this 6legged; flatbodied; brown-tinged monstrosity ever since two decided that attaching themselves on me flailing their impossibly long feelers in my face was a good idea. That happened when i was still an adolescent and the fear somehow managed to linger till now. I guess that's what they would term 'childhood phobia'.

FactThree: One word: Objectify.
I recently found out what was missing in the equation; the reason why things never seem to get done around me. My problem is procrastination and the key is to objectify. And then to stick by it tooth and nail. Obviously, in theory it sounds simple enough but the reality of it is much more convoluted when numerous factors and elements are introduced, what with the relative weakness of the human psyche. If only the reality of things could be encapsulated in theory, maybe then situational events could be better played-out according to our predictions. But till then one can only, to place it crudely, suck it up for all the wrong things that happen.

FactFour: Glee!
Totally random but anyway, its an american drama. Kinda like HSM, only better. If you like listening to new renditions of songs and upbeat dance performances, go watch it. If not, then i suggest you ignore the random ramblings of this AmDrama-crazed writer.

Just one more. Couldn't resist.

It's time to try defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity.
And you won't bring me down.

2009-12-15T12:53:00.012+08:00

Patience.
It's the very definition of being an Istana-man and the only virtue I took away with me. Having spent the bulk of my NS literally waiting for time to pass(2hrs to be exact), a half hour communal ride just can't quite match up.

2 years of awaiting and then it was over.
A dozen farewells and handshakes after, I walked out of the gates feeling surprisingly empty; the need to feel something almost requisitory. In the end, a fleeting sense of completion was all it chalked up to when I reconciled with my pink I/C.

But I have to say, freedom does come at a rather low price(Pun intended) and abundant free time.
In other words, I am broke AND bored.

Having squandered much of my NS pay on food and recreations; coupled with an over-reliance on the 10th of each month(payday) to arrive, I am left with a fast depleting account balance and a rising need to ration my remaining funds since the coming 10th isn't gonna see any rise in my account balance. I forsee a drastic fall in my standard of living or at least until my next revenue of income is finalised.

Today, 3days after my release, is the first that my activities have run dried. And it all but illuminated one point - mini-goals are needed to keep one occupied when the first(and only) item on one's to-do list is using the computer. In fact, I do have many work-in-progresses - my driving; my diving; my fitness just to name a few. And these too light a bulb in my mind - that I never get anything done. Though that in itself is a work-in-progress.

I have but one consolation and that is my decision to start work-training as soon as I had ORDed. It gave me something to do as opposed to rotting at home and a source of income, however minute it may be.

All I've said may seem ungrateful coming from someone who has finally left the 'labor service'. It's just the change. I was never one for change; I was never good at adapting to change.

An uncharacteristically long-winded post. Clearly, monotony has been the order of the day.

2009-11-29T00:52:00.004+08:00

But you gave me one good reason, to fight and never walk away.
Kris Allen - No boundaries

-you only need ONE good reason to fight your way through it all-

2009-11-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

who will not mercy unto others show, how can he mercy ever hope to have?

If the whole world subscribed by that belief maybe then we'll live in a better place.
Of course, I'm no saint myself.
But we should at least try, shouldn't we?

As of now(0000), I'm 15 days away from getting my pink i/c.
But here's the thing:
The past two years of my life i feel i've just been stalling in a room bidding my time. In a way, its a comfort and solace not having to face the imminent problem up front. But as i approach my final days, i feel i've been given the keys to unlocking the doors which have kept me in; into a future which as yet holds no significance or anticipation. And in fact a future which holds all my fears and confusion which i have not the slightest inkling to embrace. What if i'm not ready or lack the courage to move forward? For sure, I am not the least bit delusioned to think myself the better.
For most it must feel like a breath of fresh air but circumstances have placed me in a postion where freedom seem more forboding than any breath of fresh air can contain. I'm actually aversed to being freed..how more screwed up can I get?

Yet move forward i must though the question remains: Just how painful would it be?
What more, 'changing demographics' in my social circle would only spell greater emotional battles to be fought. I am inclined to think it would get worse in the forseeable future - i'd be a fool to think otherwise.
And it seems the only thing i can do is keep my eyes on the goal and ignore the painful stabs at the sides till things get better. But until then, a little understanding and tolerance would be nice because uncontrollable mood swings are bound to be plentiful and i'm terribly sorry for it.
You reap what you sow; gotta remember that forever.

Finally, exams are in commence so break a leg girls.
And to my psych cousin in her last sem, here's to getting your 2nd class uppers. Break both your legs if you have to!

2009-11-01T13:10:00.003+08:00

the beginning of yet another month.
it's a wonder how time slips past, ever so often, unnoticed.

As the first buckets of November rain continue to pour outside, i sit pondering; trying to arrive at some form of revelation as to how the last 10 months had slipped by without me achieving any tangible difference in my life. At this point, i'm pretty sure many are readying their stones to haul them at the SAF for quote-wasting two years of thier life-unquote. True to the high-flying youths of today's society; the 2years national service stint would thus, mean little in the course of their academic pursuits and careers. Yet this time, i'm left with a nagging doubt that it wasn't a lack of relevance in what i did but rather a lack of initiative in what then i could have done(but didn't) that is at fault here. Unfortunately so, since pro-activeness really isn't one of my fortes in which case a dose of the entrepreneural spirit would have been necessary which ultimately is the problem, isn't it? There's no such remedy. So what then could be a viable solution since courage and strive comes off as more inate than acquired.

At this point, it might seem this sudden bout of self-doubt is displaced but people who know will understand it stems from a deep-seated confliction which i can't seem to get over. Do I simply dive into the deep end of the pool and then kick like mad to stay afloat? Or perhaps a third party could be employed to literally nudge me in?
So many questions that need answers yet i keep digging up more questions than i answer them.

On a brighter note, the festive mood is upon us as we finally get a gleams of the finishing line. The end of ORD training brought much malice amongst us as we contrived on ways to sabotage the preceding batch of ORD personnels with 'safer and more effective' approaches towards training. A bunch of wolves draped in sheep's clothing if i may say. But then again, they're probably more deserving of such treatment than i can assert.

Two years. Just like that.
Time and tide truly waits for no man.

2009-10-19T00:27:00.003+08:00

ok seriously?
having diarrhoea is NOT fun.
having diarrhoea for 3 days is DEFINITELY NOT fun.
having diarrhoea for 3 days AND 3 freaking nights is ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY NOT FUN.

Fever's gone down, aches gone away but the diarrhoea is RELENTLESS.
I know; i'm whining but I've only been to the toilet for like 2dozen times today.
AND I'm downing drugs like a med-junkie.
only, the meds don't seem to be working its magic.
Arghh...

ORD training in 2days.
Wonder how i'm gonna get through in this condition.
YAYE for me...

Life...
again. what can i say?

2009-10-15T13:48:00.004+08:00

'if i could roll my eyes ten thousand times, i would've done it!'

well;
if i could say thank you ten thousand times over i would have done it too.

I'm glad i was invited. The surprise was well worth the effort since it yielded, albeit unexpectedly, much needed relief for me; recent events kept knocking me off my feet and i was getting exhausted.

So for being the ears that i needed so much;
For interjecting with the appropriate 'tsks' and 'ahhs' to let me know that you understand;
For the heartwarming quote aforementioned;
I thank you; both of you.

Unexpected returns;
Life's full of twist and turns.
It brings you down then pulls you back up just to bring you down again.

Consequences don't always seem apparent in the moment.
But in time, be it a day, year or decade, it always comes to light.

Past mistakes keep coming back to haunt me.
Been walking in the shadows that which my mistakes had casted.
Feeling despondent and lost.
Hate that i'm not in better control of my emotions.
Gotta break free; somehow.

Yes.
I'm morose and angsty;
So what?

And dang do i have to be glued to gossip girl.(if you know what i mean)

2009-10-04T08:53:00.010+08:00

Photos from diving trip.

Normally, i prefer using words rather than a slew of photos to express my thoughts. But at times, words fail and i find myself at wit's end raking my brain for proses to convey my thoughts to paper.
Of course, it could just be a lack of aptitude or that my fluency isn't up to scratch.
But then, such times often illustrate that where words seem to fail, a picture can paint a thousand words in its place.

2009-09-28T23:33:00.008+08:00

To you who has been a wonder to me since the day we met,
Happy Birthday.

I hope that time has not, and never will, wear down your soul.

A relationship is like the ebb and flow of the tide.
Residing and advancing; back and forth. An intimate dance through hardship and joy.

We tend to forget how truly precious a well worn out relationship is, be it friendship, kinship or courtship. At times, taking for granted its durability and presence.

'We only treasure what we do not have'

An adage overused to the point of being trite.
But still we do not learn from our past mistakes.

I actually think it impossible, even with the foretold knowledge of a painful regret upon loss.
Perhaps we are programmed that way.
And i suppose that its fine the way it is;

C'est la vie;
That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

2009-09-24T22:09:00.006+08:00

Don't look back in anger - Oasis

2009-09-21T12:55:00.005+08:00

Some updates.

Back from my first ever Diving trip to Pulau Dayang.

Miles of sea as far as the naked eyes can take in;
Crystal blue waters which incites every city-dweller who hasn't seen such clarity in sea water. (no amount of foretelling can quite prepare one for it)
The blazing sun which should have been uncomfortable, if not for the cool sea breeze constantly blowing along the sandy beach;
Such a refreshing change to the concrete jungle that we have become so accustomed to.

Diving.
My initial apprehension of drowning underwater quickly gave way to the complete awe of being in the deep blue; seeing first hand what should have belonged in last month's issue of Scuba Diver popping up in life technicolor - that was amazing.
I'm in love with diving. Words fail.

140km/hr.
The speed utilised by an average Malaysian driver, in thick fog and towards oncoming traffic, to overtake other drivers.
Its no wonder why accidents happen so frequently.

Less than 48hours.
The amount of time it took for all the inner peace i accumulated during the trip to abandon me.
Reality has cruel ways to remind one of its presence. I shall not delve into specifics lest i bore.
Life really isn't peachy.
Yaye for me.

Many thanks to JunHowe whose hasty approach in liaising with the diving instructor(and basically everything else) ensured the success of our trip.
I ought to take a leaf from his book.

Platoon 'Cohesion'.
To have a platoon cohesion highlight the extend of our incohesiveness;
I can tell you, the irony is not lost on me.
Animosity runs deep in the veins of our platoon.
The line drawn between enemies is so apparent that i see no reason behind having a cohesion.
You would think guys would have less trouble with petty issues. But APPARENTLY not.

The elephant in the room gets harder and harder to ignore with each passing moment.
It's getting impossible to turn a blind eye to it.
Perhaps its time to act upon it...
God help me.

2009-09-13T09:48:00.004+08:00

120909 Dinnr at IndoChine.
>Sharon's 20th.
A few notes:

To one: Being self conscience might have stemmed from a low self esteem but it isn't necessarily unhealthy; not unless it borders near OCB. Take care.

To the other: Forgoing the whole forest because of a diseased tree really isn't worth it. I'm no relationship expert but the last i checked, one gets hurt because one cares. It's a double-edged affair; not necessarily good, not necessarily bad.
Getting rough around the edges; sooner or later we all grow up. It's sad.

Being cynical isn't going to lead us anywhere. The least we could do is stick.
I know - I'm one to say.

Many thanks as always,
Pat for the preps. Rest for turning up.

Happy 20th Birthday Sharon.
I'm up next on the chopping board.

2009-08-22T22:18:00.007+08:00

Adulthood...It's overrated.

Sure;
You finally get to be 'free'.
Make your own choices.
Drink. Watch R21 movies. Do what adults normally do.
Be in control.

But some time down the road, you realise being in control isn't all that fun afterall.
Being free is nothing more than an illusion.
And R21 movies aren't all that great.

Kids yearn for it when all along, what encompasses being an adult is actually what they'll come to hate most: Responsibility.
The irony of it.

Taking charge of your life isn't all that easy.
When you start having to make choices that might invariably dictate the course of your future, it's frightening.
When you've got no one to fall back on but yourself, you start seeing how alone you really are.
It's hard fought not to wish you could go back to being a child with material desires and a steady mountain you could always rely on.

And here's the thing,
Adulthood sucks and its staying that way. Like it or not, you've already purchased a one-way ticket and hurtling towards it at full speed the day you were born.

Whoever said turning 21 was a cause for celebration must be hardwired the wrong way.

2009-08-16T12:44:00.003+08:00

3things i found i hate about marathons.

1)The throng of people competing.
On the contrary, the people's actually fine, its the numerous skin-to-skin contact that isn't. Having said that i think its fair i justify that i've propagated my fair share of sweat induced contact; inevitable as it is due to the number of people competing for space.

2)The human roadblocks.
People who stop and walk without any concern for the runners behind them. (like hello? there are people RUNNING behind you. Its a MARATHON. duh?) I understand this statement might appear harsh but having to meander around roadblocks become exceptional annoying when I'm trying desperately to complete the race fast. The fact that there are that many runners, which further accentuates the problem, doesn't help either. Perhaps a walking lane should be set aside the next time. Or they could operate much like normal traffic on the road- keep left if you're driving slow.

3)The seemingly endless number of people to overtake.
Usually one major source of motivation comes from having to maintain a relative lead. But in a marathon, where timing is electronically recorded, there's no way to tell heads from tails. However, to justify, it would have helped to be standing at the starting line during the flag off instead of chatting away at the opposite grass field. It's amazing where all these people come from. One never seems to gain any kind of lead throughout the race. Perhaps its psychological, but it becomes depressing after the novelty factor(since its a rather new experience) wears off; which happened to me about 8km into the race.

What i loved.

1)The finishing line
The finish line holds many meaning. For some, its like the light at the end of the tunnel;or water in the Sahara desert. For me, the line 'Mind over Body' was deftly illustrated as i turned the corner and saw the finishing line. All the fatigue went out the window. It was like an Energizer battery for the Mind. Having said that, I believe only those who put in their effort to complete the race will experience what I've seeked to explain. It's a refreshing feeling; to be finally able to do something right.

2)The pains and aches.
I'm mildly masochistic. Enough said.

3)The race.
The adrenaline; the sense of accomplishment; the satisfaction of overcoming an obstacle. 21km might seem 'peanuts' to long term marathoners but it's the longest i've EVER ran up till now. So for the avid runner, excuse my relative inexperience.

2009-08-14T00:10:00.001+08:00

2009-08-13T23:02:00.002+08:00

i suppose some updating is in order.

.NDP's over. In a matter of minutes; a heart pounding, giddy rush of exhilaration, it all ended. Just like that; months of preparation and hard work all leading up to this ultimatum. That's not to say it wasn't worth it. Trust me, it was worth every penny and i'd do it all over again if i could. Even now, it is hard to capture or describe the exact sense of awe that overcomes one in such moments but whatever it was, it felt great. I felt gratified to have had the chance to perform in a year that earned such rave reviews. I haven't actually seen myself on TV yet; not sure whether i want to but since i've already heard a couple of positive comments, it can't be too bad.
Well, whatever.

.Aside from the honour, NDP also signified the passing of an annum. It seemed like only yesterday that i was standing on that very stand carrying out security duties on NDP08. It would seem the sands of time is as relentless as ever. Which brings forth a much important point: 4months left till my discharge form National Service. I feel both anxious and lost; a mind-boggling duet of emotions. I'm not sure why..
OK fine. I do know why. It's just sad it has to be that way.

.As you'd have noticed, I've decided to do away with the imageries in my language. For now. It seems far too depressing anyway( and that is something, i can assure you, i do not need any more help in). It's just my plain, boring language for now; the occasional delve into imagery notwithstanding.

.I rented Grey's Anatomy Season1 for my viewing pleasure.
yea, it's really good.

.International buffets seem to be my latest vice.
It's all about the food with me.

.Meanwhile, the view at the bottom of the pecking order still needs some getting used to.
I'm not liking what i see, that's for sure.

.Life goes on.

2009-07-02T00:59:00.002+08:00

Of Fear.
A storm blows over.
A dream dies.
A lonely soul placed unto this lonely beach.

Would you stay if i asked you to?

The waves crash upon the shores leaving bubbly white froth in its wake.
The evening sun sets; claiming its warmth for its own.
No...
not before it paints the sky in a luminous and iridescent glow.
As if reminding us of its granduer.
An eternal art; untouchable even long after we disappear.

Would you wait if i asked you to?

An eternity blooms ahead casting its vast shadows of uncertainty.
A fairytale guise;
Yet it spins a tale of treachery;
Of long arduous journeys and of eternal longing.

Would you hold me while i cry?
Would you wait while i fade?
Would you stay till the days die and hear my apology.
Would you forgive me?

Life is full of choices...
but what of fear?

What of it?

2009-05-26T00:09:00.002+08:00

{I dreamed a dream}
This here sung by Ruthie Henshall.
Originally performed on broadway by les miserables.
While the song is famed it gained much popularity after Susan Boyle's rendition on Britain's Got Talent.
Words fail.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then i was young and unafraid,
When dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder.
As they tear your hopes apart,
As they turn your dream to shame.

2009-05-25T23:18:00.001+08:00

Some battles are meant to be fought alone.

Due to the intricate nature and unique situation that each individual face, it is an impossibility for any one person to fully understand another's. Even if two situation are vaguely similar, the singular nature of each individual allows for vast perceptions to be conceived. Thereby making two similar situations vastly different.

Understand if i chose to embark on this journey alone.

When the complexity of the web confounds even the spider itself, how is he to escape?

Trapped in my own labyrinth of thoughts, any sliver of reason is abandoned. I confuse even myself at times.

How do you begin explaining something you do not even fully comprehend?

Even so, it is much too easy to partake in the 'blame game'. So easy in fact, we volunteer ourselves subconciously to escape judgement because to accept is to admit we're wrong. And humans rarely enjoy being wrong. When confronted, we hide behind our self-righteous dignity and scream our discontent. That is simply who we are.

But perhaps, just perhaps, it's time I accepted my failures. That somewhere down memory lane, it had been my faute.
'Let those who are without sins throw the first stones.' Or so i've read.

2009-04-26T20:17:00.002+08:00

say;
if you were staring at the wrong end of a gun barrel, how would that feel?

An involuntary victim of someone's carelessness or quite simply a case of being at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
How would it feel to have a round wedged in your flesh?
Would you feel immense pain or numb relief?
Would God be merciful and spare us pain in our final minutes?
Would you feel your life slipping out of you in a thick, red, viscous fluid; pooling around you as if your body can't quite contain it anymore?
What emotions would you feel before your mind gave way to a blank abyss?
regret, relief or peace?

random thoughts at random moments.

The month draws to an end with no news whatsoever. What then? What now?
Panic attacks ail me, more so as the sands of time trickle through the hourglass;
Just the thought alone sends me gasping for breathe, heart aching and pounding;
i exagerate not.
Where i am; its a dark dark place...
encouragements do not reach; nor do any 'light' for that matter.
I have but a flicker of hope;
dwindling fast against the impending darkness.
please don't let it elude me. not a second time.

2009-04-10T22:36:00.004+08:00

random song.

5 o'clock and a fire escape symphony
spillin' out across the road and the square
and the sky's the same as your own do you think of me
do the parks and trees and the leaves reach you there
after the rain in the lonely hours he haunts me
callin' out again and again

Sophia, Sophia
i'm burning, i'm burning
its a fire, a fire i cannot put out
Sophia, Sophia
i'm learning that some things i can't go without
and one of them is him

now i walk these streets like a stranger in my hometown
learn the language from the words when i speak
but he changed me; i'm his ghost since he came around
now i count the hours and the days in the weeks
passion and silence
every word, every line - a measure
its the science of the soul
and his books they breathe a reason
and now, i wanna know

Sophia, Sophia
i'm burning, i'm burning
it's a fire, a fire i cannot put out
Sophia, Sophia
i'm learning that some things i can't go without
and one of them is him...

2009-04-07T01:24:00.002+08:00

All i wanted was your approbation.
All i needed was your approval.
is that really so hard?

its hard not to doubt sometimes.
not to be selfish and consider what i want.
not to contrive to run away when the means are met.
but worry not,
for the affliction battles itself out within the stronghold that is my mind.
pray; lest the stronghold weakens over time and test.

An ideal concoction of rain and warmth seem to have brewed itself at the gates if Istana.
A calling; for bugs to breed and cause a nuisance to us helpless, immobilised souls. Worms dangle down from tree foliages, hung precariously upon a thread, squirm and swing like a pendulum of sort.
A bite? A prick? I know not much to tell.
A night saw rashes appear in angry red blotches, chasing across my neck.
And for those whose initial expression held more concern than disgust, i thank thee;

Something someone said got me thinking - Am i pampered?
-if i regard SAF ration with disdain. Do i not eat it just the same?
-if i choose to go home given the absolute freedom to. Isn't everyone else, given the privelege, doing so?
-if i abhor bugs and shy away from them with horror. Is it a crime to be afraid of bugs?
I'm sure there are plenty more you could conjure up in your defence but if the above returns are all YES then i seriously urge you to reconsider your notion of what is pampered.
To view people with such condescend isn't very nice.
No. I'm sure i can't argue that point with you(as in all cases).

superfluous talks; i bore- as always.

2009-03-13T22:36:00.002+08:00

Trapped in an indefinite loop of emotional turmoil.

The final click; final pull; final breath.

Wishing; hoping it mitigates soon.

Cause i don't know how long i can hold out.

I'm not 'emo'.

What does it show when a person is much more comfortable being in his head than out?
That he's exhibiting sociopathic symptoms.

In the nights, creatures often gather like hounds - sniffing out the lastest gossips. I chose solitary confinement instead of social interaction. It's not you, its me.

Problems loom overhead like ominous clouds darkening the sky.

They resound incessantly in my head forcing me to choose a quieter form of reflection. Otherwise, its impossible to mitigate the resulting ripples.

It humbles me to receive bounts of concern time and time again. But there's no cause for worry. Its simply a temporal phase.

Time heals all wounds.

2009-02-08T19:16:00.004+08:00

All in a week's work.

To yamon,
dear friend. patient listener. wise voice.
Happy Birthday!

For lending your ears at a time when all i needed was to let it all out. For understanding my situation so innately, making it that much easier to expound my woes. For not just being a good listener, but one that gives good advice.
Its just you. No pressure.
Just for being you.

To jeff, for the delectable assortment of chocolates from Australia; and whose amalgamy of accents and the ability to switch between them amuses the hell out of me.

To everyone who had had a piece of advice to share on uni application; had helped straighten out my thoughts.

Thank you.

FRI:
Mahjong at SuYin's had us gorging on nasi lemaks, popiahs and ice-creams. There's always a lot of food involved when it comes to the four of us which is good because as i'd said eons ago: We eat because we're happy! and that can't be more true.

An eleventh hour decision to meet up with jeff and mad landed me on the rooftop terrace at the Esplanade. Lots of "what's been going on in your life" questions exchanged there.

SAT:
KBOX with sam, yingquan, kenghee. Another batch ORDs and i'm another step closer to ORD-ing. Of course, that's still quite a long way ahead. Maybe its my wishful thinking, maybe not. Doesn't matter.

Watched Bride Wars with Johnson. Odd person to watch it with but that aside, its a really awesome show! Who cares if the plot is rather predictable. Who cares if it's a typical movie about friends squabbling. I just like shows with a really touching plot. Go figure.

SUN:
I found out today that by flipping thir-teens around, we would have teen-thir. Funny cause that bears an uncanny resemblance to the hokkien meaning - being of no help/ in the way of things.
Had lunch and high tea with Jintze+ShuRong. The purpose was to clear some of my doubts regarding uni app. Talked. Laughed. What more do we need?

I'm sorry for not being able to make it for LAN today and dinner yesterday. Then again, as some would say, its not like i'm much help in DOTA and the zombie game. Meet up soon.

2009-02-02T12:36:00.003+08:00

Eight years since we first sat in that classroom donning that smurf-ish attire. Thinking back, it probably was that single 'ghostly' encounter during our sec2 chalet which set off a chain reaction that has gotten us to where we are today. Ironically, it was probably just a trick of the light and wei lun's verbal exclamation that spurred our wild imaginations on.

Anniversary celebration was graced by everyone but me, shan hong and clement. I apologise for my last minute absence. Believe me, i had half my thoughts on strangling my commander when i got the news. There was a 27.3% chance of me being last-minute scheduled for duty the next day and i had to have the luck for it. Unfortunately, the probability of switching 'next day' duties which lapses into the next month comes pretty close to a zero. There was hardly a chance i could have switched and thus, regretfully, i had to be absented.

Now, so much has been said about us that perhaps there is no need for repetitions. Another year we spend together, another flaw we find in each other. May the imperfections be accepted into our circle because no one's perfect. Perhaps i say this because i find in myself that i'm FAR from being perfect. In the end, its not about tolerance but acceptence. There is, afterall, a limit to the amount that which a person can tolerate.

I may have made our future sound bleak but a certain bird told me that faith is a miraculous work. With a job, marriage and babies to think about as we abandon our teenage years, things are going to be hectic and stressful to say the least. But i have faith in us. Trust when i say its not just sweet-nothings. Happy Anniversary! Long-live the thirTEENS.

2009-01-27T14:10:00.005+08:00

Its that time of the year...angbaos; loud bombastic music; well meaning, albeit chatty, relatives (whose favourite address seems to be "when are you going to get a girlfriend ah?") and of course, FOOD - the sort that is oily, heaty and really unhealthy. Happy Chinese New Year...cheers.

Every year, we trudge our way down to 'Chun Dao He Pan' at night. And every year, i find myself in a losing battle for that small amount of space that is my comfort zone as we pack ourselves willingly into the crowd like a bunch of sardines in a can. There's only this much i'd give before it gets a tad bit uncomfortable. Personally, i never found much sense in this little family tradition. But as it is - where they go, i'd go. Its that sad but i suppose i'm a willing victim.

People who've been to the Chun Dao He Pan would know the signature 2storey 'Cai Shen' that spews golden leaves out periodically every year. It is believed to bring good fortune. And every year, die hard faithfuls (or people greedy for money) form an impenetrable fortress around the Cai Shen awaiting its 'money spewing' periods. Some, to my utmost amusement, inverted their umbrellas and placed them over their heads in hopes of obtaining more golden leaves.

What went through my mind?
"God, i can't believe i was once a participant."

2009-01-22T23:58:00.004+08:00

there's no need for questions..

talk only when you want to
cause i'll always listen;

slow down when you're tired
cause i'll always wait;

don't be afraid when you feel lonely
cause i'll always be around;

for you, a thousand times over.

but i wanted to see him... :(
thanks for telling me...like you said you would.
he's graced my thoughts enough times for me to be terribly fond of him.
it hurts to know but have faith...
ope's somewhere safe.

2009-01-09T10:52:00.000+08:00

Its sadistically fun and oddly uplifting to see your friends suffer the same fate as you(:
all you bitches!! its finally your turn..*cackles

Rejoice!! cause the next victim is served up the platter. (note: the only one with hair a la a tekong recruit.)

Here's to wishing you an enriching, but most importantly, safe journey serving NS. Take care of yourself and sustain as little injury as possible - tekong's a rather injury-prone place. Hopefully you will find it, like with others before us, an irreplaceable and worthwhile experience. (note that i didnt say enjoyable.)

I wish the things you learn here will help you understand yourself better..

2009-01-08T23:04:00.011+08:00

i'm grateful for this little piece of paradise(:

p.s. i have no idea why i'd decided to put this song up(:

2009-01-07T11:46:00.000+08:00

A long overdued new year post. Screaming Happy 2009 on the 7th seem a tad bit inadequate. I apologise for the blog drought. I've been at a loss for words for quite a while. A result of too much thoughts crammed into too little space. If only we could all tap into 'that other portion' of our brain. Then memorising the dictionary would be a walk in the park.

They say ignorance is bliss. The year '08 was filled with unexpected twist and turns, horrible ones at that. After one too many blows, i'd found it a gruelling task to live each day as it was - choosing to ignore rather than to face the truth. On some days, the memory proved too persistent; thoughts too wild to remain blissfully ignorant. So much so that it felt so close to suffocation. i'm just glad that '08 is finally behind me. 2009 will be a life-changing year - be that positive or negative.

New year countdown at patricia's resort-like condo.

Charades; lotsa food and even a guest star appearance by the local security! As always, thanks for EVERYTHING. I've only my attendence and measly funds to offer. Please don't get sick of me and banish me to you-know-where. That'll be a truly horrifying experience!!

Somehow, with the adrenaline draining away and fatigue setting in, overnights always seem to invite much emo-ness into our circle. (what with all the heart-to-heart talks and confessions) Though we may not be the happiest bunch of people, but its ok right? We've all got our personal unfathomable problems. Some probably more vocal about them; a few choosing to keep hush for the most part; and one hiding in his/her shell almost completely. So afraid to even let us in a bit, its worrying. Whichever, whoever, however, i'm here for everyone of you. Together we'll survive 2009!!

2008-12-30T00:12:00.010+08:00

- thats ALL I want for Christmas -

This would be a rather 'late' post i suppose but hey, i was on a duty spree.
Nevertheless, to you whose sitting in front of your com,
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Christmas gathering at Clement's place.

Doing what we do best - making a nuisance of ourselves - will always be one of my favourite activities.

To be able to huddle around the BBQ pit under 4 umbrellas, incidentally BBQ-ing by torchlight, in the rain on Christmas eve. What more can i ask for? I believe its the company that counts. Rain or shine, we're rather determined to have fun.

And contrary to the fact that my mouth was in constant movement( i decided motion sounded kinda...gross) throughout the BBQ-ing process, i did pitch in some bit ya? If there ever was a culprit, it would be teo xin yun. *pointing fingers* (:

As always, i had an awesome time with you guys. The sharing, laughing and screaming was all too welcoming.
Special thanks to,
obviously the organisers who made it possible. ( i realise i'm always not involved in the organising, i'm ashamed)
clement - for surrendering your place to us time and again.
patricia - for the food supply; the gift from korea; the never-ceasing amusingly snide remarks that you always have in store for me.
and honestly,
everyone - for even turning up. thats the most important part isn't it?

2008-12-01T00:43:00.003+08:00

Cycling.

the ground rushing by below me;
the wind beating against my face singing its all-too-familiar tune as it whips pass my ears;
the smell that often accompanies a rainstorm still hanging around even after the rain has passed;
the sound the bicycle makes where the wheels connect with the ground while the chain makes it's revolutions;
the song(s), the laughter;
the reasons...

minus
the smell i get after sweating so much;
the soreness my ass feels after 4hrs on the too-small seat;
the up slopes;
kester's stupid brakes that had me land unceremoniously on all fours; (fine. it wasn't your bike's fault. should have tested those ruddy brakes before jamming them all the way in)
the puddles that got my back all wet and dirty.

Something different from our usual routine. Definately worth the trouble.

thanks guys, it was fun! for me at least. lets do it again. someday. when my ass doesn't hurt quite so much anymore.

2008-11-27T17:29:00.006+08:00

MAA. I'M HOOME..

5days of stress-free living. of shopping. eating. touring. laughing.

Not having to wake up at 6a.m to a day of duty.
Not having to worry about the mounting problems at home/camp.
Not having to wreck my brains thinking of the retarded WITS project that has caused so much problems.
Not having to live This life.

Unfortunately, my new-found freedom died the moment i landed back in Singapore. Well, instructions that came with my overseas leave did warn that any freedom would be short-lived. Still, no harm griping.

In any case, i ventured into foreign territory thinking i'll come back with a truckload of clothes. And i did...smelly used ones that is.

In my defense, clothes sold there ain't much cheaper than the ones sold here. i suppose if i wanted cheap clothes, i would've gone to bangkok or hong kong instead. i did, however, come back with lots of food(:

so forgive me for not returning with a luggage full of bounty.

2008-11-21T19:09:00.002+08:00

Thanks for the well wishes everyone(:

Flying off in a while. My third time overseas. woots!!
i'm feeling the same unexplainable nerves as when i was going to cambodia in J2. I can't quite put my finger on the precise mix of emotions that make up this feeling i've got. Its part loneliness, anxiety, anticipation, fear, excitement and other unknowns.

Perhaps its got to do with the fact that i'm always arriving at the airport alone.

No matter, i'm still leaving anyway and hopefully i'll, as psuedo beyonce puts it, come home safe.

2008-11-20T00:35:00.001+08:00

When you loved the one that was killing you, it left you no options.

How could you run? How could you fight?

If your life was all you had to give your beloved.

How could you not give?

If it was someone you truly loved.

-Breaking Dawn

Alas, I'm at the last installment of the Twilight saga- Breaking Dawn. Perhaps, not every one's a Shakespeare but the series sure do give people an invigorated, renewed perspective of love. Meanwhile, Twilight the movie is coming on screens 18th DEC. With such reputation, i'm keeping my fingers crossed, hoping the movie will be able to 'pull it off'.
Back in a certain camp, animosity is spreading like wild fire fed by dry wood. Resentment, hostility and even, to some extent, hatred is licking the edges of conversations. There's undeniably a line drawn, a barrier constructed somewhere.
Where exactly? Its hard to quantity. Through the countless misgivings and misunderstandings that went unaddressed, we have created a complicated web of irreversable consequences that has ironically trapped us within.
When did it start? I dig into my memory bank and came up with nothing. We've been feigning ignorance, for the most part but things have been blown way out of proportion. I believe its time we took a step back and look at the situation with an unbiased, unselfish and gracious mind.
Who's at fault? Guess what? EVERYONE. I'll be the first to admit - I'm guilty as charged. No one's perfect, no one's selfless. But there has to be a compromise somewhere. Give and take. That's how the system works, that's how the world goes round.
What can be done? Perhaps it's my wishful thinking to ask that our past deeds be forgotten. But forgiven that's a must, for us to move on. I'm dead serious. There's no purpose in bringing up old stories of what-could-have-beens. It serves no purpose but deepen the animosity.
I'm sorry and embarassed to say, we're a shrewed up bunch of people. But that's life. We make do with what we have and hopefully, hopefully it'll be enough.
Either way, everyone has already became a part of my life. Like it or not, we'll be together for another year. I'll try my best and hopefully you'll try yours. And at the end of the day, i'm praying everyone emerges unscathed.

2008-11-16T18:55:00.002+08:00

Can I?
Shall I?
Will I?

Self doubt kills. Not quite literally but it does however, cause i hell lot of problems.

In many of my cases, 'will I' often becomes a 'would I have'. I've got to overcome this nasty emotion.

2008-11-15T19:03:00.002+08:00

because we give a damn...

thanks so much...

for drawing time out from your busy schedules to celebrate my birthday(albeit the lateness) and of course, the presents as well.

for listening to my rambling and woes; it was oddly therapeutic.
i've forgotten how much i love these random talks.

for accepting me for who i am, however heartless, uncaring and presumptuous i may seem.

for allowing me a safe harbour of warmth, reassurance and friendship in my moment of distraught.

and quite simply,
for giving a damn.

all of you are important to me in so many ways. i was suddenly compelled to let you guys know because i so rarely express such feelings openly. hopefully it doesn't scare you guys.

2008-10-26T12:00:00.006+08:00

End of LEAVE.

Booking-in in approx 30mins time for tomorrow's duty.
I'm physically and emotionally exhausted which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the leave.
There's so many loose ends untied yet time isn't on my side. i really hate to leave it as it is even though there's not much i can do.
I got hooked onto the NX machine. Can't stop splurging on it.
Halloween Fest. at the Night Safari with jeanna, kes, alvin, zoe, sinyan. Photos coming.
Womanizer. cool vid..or actually quite the opposite.
Open House at Istana tomorrow. The long absence from work is definitely going to make being a statue that much harder.
Life's like that (:

Halloween Fest.

2008-10-24T23:33:00.006+08:00

Vindicated

i cried, i got over it.

There's no point in explanation because yall are just gonna deny it. Hell, yall may not even know it yourself. I'm done mobing.

If it means so little to yall, then i'm done struggling too. i'm gonna be selfish. i'm choosing to protect myself.

It sucks that i care so much, even now. But i'm a fast learner. It doesn't mean i'm not gonna care, just a hell lot lesser.

Increase the rate and it can quite possibly become a pasttime. I HATE assumptions.

2008-10-23T00:13:00.003+08:00

Stepping Stone

I must say i'm pretty proud of myself. Today i went to NUS to hangout with Jeanna and SinYan and this other guy whose name i've momentarily forgotten=/

For the past few months, i have avoided NUS like it was some form of plague. Dodging all signs which may suggest its existence; fleeing at the mere mention of its name. I was, as Jeanna reminded, 'allergic to University'. I chose to live in false pretence and ignorance because it was the only 'short term' method to escape the pain and dread.

Everyone's opinion of my situation is vastly different but mine, unfortunately for me, causes much grieve. i'm not being pessimistic, just realistic.

All along i knew it was a short term solution. Especially when the non mention of university in any gathering is close to impossible, what with the girls current study in university; I can't be avoiding gatherings as well, that is certain. i was perhaps just waiting for the right moment- for acceptance.

I wasn't very sure that i was ready to embrace it yet but i took a risk- afraid that others would grow tired of my negativity.

Hence when the opportunity came knocking, i jumped at it in an instant. I needed to test myself. And it wasn't half as bad as i thought...thanks to Jeanna. For suggesting that we met at her school knowing my slight reluctance; for having taken me on the long tour by foot in the slight drizzle at my request. Perhaps the company and the chatting made it that much easier to accept. i had locked up the pain and grieve for so long only to find out i've lost the key. Cheers to me making a full recovery(:

oh and i fell AGAIN going down steps. what is wrong with me and stairs this year?!

Had dinner with Johnson later in the evening at JEC which is closing down for renovation in a few days time. Does it not feel that our usual haunts, where our memories linger always have to be destroyed?...GINZA now JEC. hmm strange

2008-10-22T22:27:00.021+08:00

Communication

Yael Naem- new soul

i'm a new soul, i came to this strange world

hoping i could learn a bit about how to give and take

but since i came here, felt the joy and the fear

finding myself making every possible mistake

-------------------------------------------------

see, i'm a young soul in this very strange world

hoping i could learn a bit about what is true and fake

but why all this hate? try to communicate

finding trust and love is not always easy to make

-

Lesson Learnt

Communication and understanding is quintessential in any forms of relationship. Communication being the bridge between perception and understanding. Without proper communication, what people perceive will be affected by assumptions made only second nature to any human being. Flaws in an equation of the works.

Henceforth, without a clear perception of things, misunderstanding arises inevitably leading to other complications(anger, disappointment, resentment, regret, hatred etc...) If communication is what relationships are build upon then a lack of communication is the weak foundation that can never provide enough stability for other 'structures' to be build upon. In this case being love, trust, faith, comfort, security and other luxuries of sort.

i'm still learning. i made a mistake of raising uncertainty and ambiguity in hopes of satisfying both parties. How foolish i was. i am sorry for the disappointment i caused in extinguishing the hopes that i have so cruelly, yet unknowingly, lit. and the grudge you must feel for having your efforts gone unappreciated. alas, i AM at fault.

i do SEE your effort. if i have not openly expressed my appreciation, it is because i am 'not proficient' at expressing such feelings(bluntly put). As you would already have known and experienced countless times, i am much more acquainted at projecting an aura of nonchalance which is so often misunderstood for non interest or ungratefulness. if for a second that you assumed i'm uninterested or ungrateful then i sincerely hope this would make things clearer. it hurts to be wrongly accused by others of being uninterested so i do want you to know that i am grateful and appreciative of what you have done. i will, in some way, make it up to you. i hope this clears things up a bit.

2008-10-21T20:49:00.004+08:00

constant change

I resent change; having my carefully assembled pieces thrown into chaos. Dislike anything that causes this delicate balance to tilt precariously (i'm a libra...duh). Yet more often than not, i find myself on the receiving end of such predicament. Flustered- desperately picking up the pieces of my broken puzzle. Trying, no doubt in vain, to regain this balance before the next wave comes toppling over.

I realise i need a foothold; a constant. Something that i can be sure of that wouldn't succumb to this 'changing' madness. A float keeping me abreast so i wouldn't drown in this tidal storm. God i hope i find it before i descend into depression and ruins.

Being alone sets me pondering. And i was alone the whole day. Go figure.

Spend most of my morning reading New Moon. Went BBDC in the afternoon to apply for my PDL. Had to queue for an hour and a half but never mind, i'm one step closer to getting my driver's license. Can't wait to finally settle in the driver's seat (:
A sudden downpour in the evening put me off my plans to go running. At the rate its going, i'm gonna pile on faster than i can say "i'm growing fat".

I'm resentfully 19. One more year and i'll hit the big 2! tell me its not happening. A BIG thanks to everyone who has played a part- ALL well wishes(verbal and text); wall notes; phone calls; birthday cards- you've all made my birthday a happier one(:
thanks bw, zoe and mad for putting in the effort to msg at 12 midnight;
mad and becca for the treat at suki and becca for the personalised card- wasn't expecting anything, definitely a pleasant surprise;
ya mon for the call all the way from australia. you're the best!! sorry i couldnt recognise your voice over the phone(:
kes for the bitch call the very night;
and jeanna for remembering even when you're sick. tC

Celebrated my birthday with mad and becca at Orchard. Got treated to suki buffet (my first time). Have to say that its better than sakae, albeit the price. Watched a really bad movie- Burn after Reading -on mad's suggestion. LOL it wasn't her fault.

That's the second consecutive movie i watched that really sucked which kinda...well suck. The first was with kester- 20th century boys. i've been watching waaay too many movies recently for my own good. i'm supposed to be saving money for my overseas trip this yr end. we've gotta stop turning to movies as the only other alternative for recreational activities. i've watched House Bunny, Painted Skin, 20th Century Boys, Burn after Reading and Connected in the past two weeks or so. my gosh...thats a lot of money.

Anyway, i've decided to have lots of aims to distract me from my apparent misery serving NS. Hopefully time passes faster with a list of things to achieve.

2008-10-11T18:30:00.005+08:00

Movie with sr and pat.

I was first to reach The Cathay! Big shocker there cause if you know me well then you would know i'm hardly ever the first to be anywhere. Even then i was 20mins late which kinda explains how i was first then.

Anyway, i had my eyes on the toilet sign(was desperate to use the loo) when i meet por and his friend. Think he was there to watch Burn after Reading.

Ate Ben and Jerry's ice cream; caught up a bit; griped a bit about our lives and then we were off. Even though it was a rather short outing since we all had our other commitments to attend to, it was still precious time spent together. Thanks a bunch for inviting me along (pardon the intrusion)...i really appreciate it :)

2008-10-10T23:49:00.008+08:00

Dinner at Causeway Point

Causeway Point on a friday evening is packed like a can of sardine. Good thing we booked 9 seats at Seoul Garden beforehand. Only to find out Denis ate the SAME thing; at the SAME place the day before. Buffet two nights in a row! Thanks for the sacrifice! :)

Ken, mimi, yc, yorrick, por couldn't make it. But then again, with our impossibly complicated shift work, its already a feat that the numbers could hit 7. Sacrifices were inevitable.

Settling down took quite some time. Services weren't THAT great. Some confusion here and there and oh...the nametag on one of the service crew read-STUN. nice. i was indeed -as the name goes- 'stun'. Actually it was Denis who pointed it out. LOL

The food variety wasn' that wide as compared to the Taka. branch. So we just made do with whatever they had and gobbled everything. Anyway the main point wasn't to eat but to catch up with each other, I think we did more talking than eating.

And then when everyone's eaten to their heart's content, came the doodling-with-the-food thing that we always seem to do at buffets. Here's two masterpiece:

By Irfan and Scott: Hot pot of crap! LOL!

They actually said it tasted sweet...eww gross.

And mine:

It was awesome fun to be catching up with the guys and sharing our sorrows and pain of the past 3-4 months in our seperate units. A pity SGT Benny couldnt make it. The next meeting's scheduled for mimi's and ng's birthday- some time end of nov.

2008-10-08T23:39:00.011+08:00

Month of Sept in Pictures

30Aug: Badminton

20SEP: Thirteens Outing

1OCT: Open House at Istana

2008-10-02T21:36:00.003+08:00

COBWEBS.
i know i know...blog's dead. i've finally come around to revive it with my 3rd grade "CPR skills".

the month of september had been craaaazy, hectic and cramped with junk loads of nonsense crap. i'm about to attempt to squeeze one month's worth of craziness into a nutshell. No promises though. i'm sorry if i miss out on any events guys(and girls). here goes nothing...

25AUG MON
Dylan's birthday. i did try to get the whole gang to meet up for dinner or something but as always it was just my one-sided wishful thinking at work. can't say i didnt try huh...well i ended up buying a cute lil' donut that looked oddly like a fruit cake. it was(admittedly) a last minute decision. sorry dylan!!

30AUG SAT
Badminton with meiling qiqi peizhen michelle kester and jeanna. its a rather odd group of friends to be caught playing badminton with. but u people still rock:) thanks to kester's ingenius idea to NOT book a court on a SATURDAY, we had to settle for an open court conspicuously hidden in between some HDB flats. sorry kester, SOMEONE had to take the blame..heh alright i was joking; dont get angry.

16SEP TUE
I PASSED MY IPPT!!! OMG!! LIKE FINALLY!
No more Unit Fitness Program after live runs. Cheers!

20SEP SAT
Spend the afternoon at jeanna's cosy house with shiya terence zoe sinyan alvin kester and jane eating black pepper and not-so-spicy chilli crabs. it's the first time in a LOT of years that i've eaten crabs like that(i mostly eat those cheapo crabsticks that aren't really 100% crabmeat). it was really good except for the rashes that developed the next day...dang! i should probably keep away from seafood for the time being. i missed ope but he didnt seem to miss me...hmmm sad.

Evening was spent with the thirteens. As usual, we celebrate shan hong and sharon's birthday together every year. This year's shan hong's all important A's so we wont touch him for the time being. It's been so long since we've met. Anyway we were hoping to chill out at the HELIPAD. too bad some big shot booked the entire place for the night. Went to C Clinic instead. It was wierd to say the least. Surgical tables and wheelchair for seats. Was Happy Hours which meant drinks were one for one. Ordered 4 jugs. Yes, i got a liiiitle drunk i think. Too bad i had to leave early to book into camp. Duties duties...

28SEP SUN
Jeanna's birthday!!! The day it was decided that we would one day meet. Had duty that day. Its a bummer we couldn't properly celebrate our birthdays together this year. I can still remember the year that the three of us celebrated our birthdays with ya mon at su yin's house. That was the best:)
Nonetheless, hope you had fun during your class BBQ. Stay Close...i can't say that enough. Stay Strong too...by the time you see this, alvin should be back soon(if not back already).

1OCT WED
Hari Raya/Children's Day. My First Istana Open House duty. It was nerve-wrecking, what with all the foreigners and locals in such close proximity. I didnt even dare move my eyeballs. Got all stiff all over after that. Lots of photos taken with the "Istana Statue" that is me. Naturally, went to google my name when i got home and guess what? i found a photo of myself! woots! Everyone's a little vain inside right?

Alright i'm done for now. Like finally.

Many crazy things had happened in september that including my P.M.S. moments. P.M.S. as i have conveniently coined is my term for Periodic Melt-down Sickness.haha. Its a little like depression just that it comes on and off at unlikely moments. I'm sorry to those that have been a victim to my P.M.S.ing (esp. my mummy). its just so much things that have happened this year and so much thats been cooped up inside. i can't really explain it to anyone since its so hard for people to fully understand so i dont bother. it wasn't a single major event but so so many single minor things that fed the frustration inside. the endless weekend duties which left me mentally exhausted didnt help either. But that's all in the month of september. October's gonna be a new page and a fresh start!! i'm all geared up and set to conquer the world again...hah.

2008-08-25T12:04:00.003+08:00

Monday 12noon++(don't they just love to use the +sign on menus..)

Its a monday afternoon and i'm sitting in front of my laptop at home cause we've all decided to go on a strike and not book-in today!! YAYE!!

alright fine. Today's actually an off day for many since yesterday was our Army Half Marathon. It's a common understanding that work on weekends = off on the following weekday.....erm so they say. Which is why i'm stuck at home, being my loner self, for a day of Nothing-To-DOs.

Anyway, the last few days had been a total spending spree for me. Two movies; a flip-flop; chocolates from The Cocoa Tree; a meal at TCRS and Crystal Jade after, i realised someone had burnt a hole in my pocket. oh wait...that was me. It's like i was taking revenge on myself for having been thrifty in the past week. I really DO need to spend money on a regular basis. There goes my plans for saving...crap. A meal at Sakura awaits me tomorrow. should i be shedding tears of joy or pain...?

Anyone by any chance free today? (= *hopeful*

Kenneth- Regards to one of your posts: I found out where the $1 went. the solution given is toally crap. hah.

2008-08-23T01:05:00.002+08:00

First things first:
-the girl in the junkbox is on uninvited territories. (i can't get her to go away, short of removing the entire thing)
-the box is totally out of boundary but i really want to put this song up so...arh wells

Duties kicking in and things are looking to settle down soon. Life's pretty mundane but i'm managing to enjoy myself through moments of jokes and stunts. Cheers to collecting dust for the next one half years. Standing hasn't looked so fun...

Fireworks Fest today. From what i've gathered its some pretty decent fireworks. I wasn't even invited to watch the show from the side!! Kester's a mean bitch. Nonetheless, i hope you guys enjoyed the show.

Watched 4bia at GV Jurong Point today with some of my Istana batch mates. Unfortunately, half the show was spent starring at the back of my bag. It's not something i'm particularly proud of.

Note to self: Pls don't ever watch a horror movie again!!

2008-08-17T23:14:00.006+08:00

16 AUG sat

Went BBDC with our two prospective drivers, Shu Rong and Xin Yun, to reset my password to my acc which costs a whooping $10.70. (though not before i had given numerous futile attempts at guessing my pw) Thanks for taking the extra time out to accompany me.

(Note to self: try to use passwords like 111111 next time!)

Thereafter, these 3 lovelorn not-so-teenage youths hopped down to Marina Square to do some shopping while waiting for the other thirteens' arrival. Since it was still early (and we were teetering dangerously close to starvation), we made an impromptu decision to pop by Suntec to have some kick-ass fondue/wafer/ice cream 'high tea'.

the prospective drivers.

a wall of post-its.

On to meeting the thirteens and dinner at MOF AGAIN. granted...the food is actually rather good; service too...then comes the highlight: Wei Lun's 19th Birthday 'cutting-cake' Ceremony. which definitely turned a few heads as we sang his birthday song with strive and vigor; coupled with such uninhibited laughter at Wei Lun's atrociously hilarious gigs. thanks for making my day :)

you guys never fail to remind me how different life woulld be without all of you. Stay Close.

2008-08-10T02:21:00.003+08:00

Waiting in Line. Life's a monotonous train ride. i find myself waiting...just like a passenger staring out at the passing meadows. No matter how picturesque, it still feels secondary. What's of priority is reaching the next station. And i find myself waiting. No matter how hard i try to enjoy and appreciate the moment, deep down i just know that i'm still waiting...and i blame myself for not being able to break away from the conventional. Is it wrong? I have no clue...

For those who keep reiterating their point, you can't possibly comprehend how hard it is. I'm sorry. Forgive me or not...thats all i can say to you but i can't change how i feel. I've tried/failed/tried again/failed again...henceforth i seem to have resorted to ignoring it. Ignorance is a temporary solution, i have yet to find a permanent one.

Alright i'll stop emo-ing for a bit.

The crowd at today's NDP was pretty bleah...i could probably shout louder than 100 of them combined. Too bad i wasn't allowed to talk.(let alone shout) Though security is boring work, i get to watch the parade standing next to the VIP seats(and that's right smack in the centre). woots!!
So i ain't gonna complain about doing weekend extra duty just this once. SPDS/MB performance was awesome, fireworks was fabulous and i get to see eunice olsen pretty close. Now beat that! Hah...

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY SINGAPORE!!

Special Note to jeanna: though you may have went on to university and will be/have made new awesome friends but don't you ever forget me. Silly? Frankly, i'm quite worried. Serious.

2008-08-08T20:13:00.003+08:00

080808. (In the eyes of superstitious believers) To say that today is an auspicious date would be an understatement. The '88 baby boomer already proved that point. In addition to the Beijing Olympics opening, today also marks the day many couples tie their knot in holy matrimony. Awww...

Meanwhile the queue for Lottery/Big Sweep/Toto/4D?!? (i can't tell one from the other) has reached such a ridiculous hike that it puts the Hello Kitty Craze to great shame though i don't think i can blame Singaporeans for wanting to try their luck on that tempting $8M prize money. (What more-today...)

Its National Day tomorrow!! Ok maybe not many people share the same kind of enthusiasm as they used to have but i believe its only right that we as Singaporeans, at the very least, appreciate what we have grown to become used to on this faithful day. I mean...see-ing that some Singaporeans don't even know how to sing our National Anthem...its just wrong. hmm...i wonder why i'm feeling this surge of patriotism towards our dear Singapore. Maybe its just the mood of attending NDP(as security..duh) or maybe my trip to Cambodia during my JC days wasn't a waste afterall. who knows...

I'm still quite bumped about missing the fireworks festival though...shucks

Belinda- sorry for not replying...i lost my charger for a while..lol lame excuse huh?
JinTze- watch my part of the fireworks for me k? hah..
Kester- Where've you disappeared to?

2008-08-05T21:58:00.004+08:00

I had the strangest dream...

For the benefit of those who do not have a childhood.(and to assist your imagination as i recall my 'adventure'.)

This is lilymon from DiGImon Adventures.

and this is Crimson Balrog from MapleStory.

So the story goes.

In this contorted sadistic psychotic dreamscape of mine, I...was Lilymon. No way in my wildest imagination would i assume myself as a flying flower without realising it was a dream. But somehow, somehow...that idea just didnt occur to me. It gets worse...

As if being a flower with wings wasn't bad enough, i had to be playing catching with some form of a devil, which i have the strangest revelation, is Crimson Balrog(CB). I, of course, am the one being chased.

So Lilymon (since i refuse to term it as 'I') was running from CB around a backdrop of skyscrapers and modern-looking buildings while she/he tries ever so desperately to get her/his darn wings to work properly(since its not like i have prior experience to flying).

CB pops in and out of the picture hot on Lilymon's heels from time to time. CB had Lilymon in a chokehold when the sun rose and chased the devil away. Talk about a close shave.

I was sweating buckets when i woke up. Morale of the story- never sleep in camp. I'm sorry for skiving...Crazy? Tell me about it..

2008-08-03T20:08:00.003+08:00

Istana Open House. It was nice to know people actually gave bowls as visiting gifts. no. i'm not trying to be ignorant...i'm sure there's a deeper meaning to it. But still...

Getting used to the training schedule back in camp though it still beats the crap out of me after each session. National Day's drawing close...which means more work. Hurray...at least i get to watch the show up close...hopefully

I realise i'm avoiding replies to my messages. It's a subtle habit which i've never quite notice until recently. Still trying to figure out why that's so. I'm hereby apologising to those that my ultra late replies have irritated. I'm sorry for always making you guys wait. i'll try to change that bad habit( of always being late). Looks like i digressed. Hah.

Jintze- Hoping to make it for the fireworks display on the 22nd. Fingers crossed.

2008-07-29T00:33:00.005+08:00

If walking out of camp with only one working leg left doesn't mean i've put in effort then i'm sorry to say that i'm incapable of putting in effort...some people just can't understand. its frustrating. Well, the coming days are gonna get worse...it'll be a miracle if i dont end up on a wheelchair by the end of the week (before he'll finally admit that i am actually trying.)

Basic theory is over(yes!). had to rush down(if thats even possible with one leg crippled) to Bukit Batok Driving Centre to take my test with shu rong and xin yun. Even had some time left to panic together. It felt so much like how we used to be before exams that i couldnt help smiling to myself. crazy? perhap...

jintze- (= and a BIG thank you.
shurong- 11 and counting...thanks for your honest opinion. it would be nice if the tables were turned though.
jeanna- saw alvin today at my camp. big surprise. actually it wasn't big but surprise just sounded wierd..hah

2008-07-27T23:09:00.001+08:00

Photos from thirteens outing. Will update another time. Way tired..Tmr's basic driving theory test!! Oh no...

Thanks for not hating me for who i am.

2008-07-23T23:40:00.007+08:00

seetstanding. pun definitely intended. my new email that i just created. about time i changed my 8 year old account. Been in use since i was in primary 5. Back then, i didnt even have a computer at home...hah

the long awaited day has finally come. yes! Yet in place of monotony comes a new challenge-shagness. Mundane yet Slack or Busy yet Shag. Such a dilemma[though its not like i'm given a choice]. Guess its impossible to have the best of both worlds. Seems like i'm always fighting a losing battle when it comes to affairs of my emotional satisfaction. What would it take before i'll be finally satisfied. Most probably wouldn't have a clue what i'm referring to...that's fine.

After many years of people telling me that i bath too slowly...i've finally come to terms that my abnormally slow bathing speed isn't really normal. Anyway, my favourite spot at home is not-so-coincidentally the bathroom. Well what do'ya know. Go figure. It's the best spot to reflect and ponder over complicated stuff. As well as to calm the mind; relax the senses; and of course to clean myself up. Duh...

Finished season1 of Vampire Knight.

Currently watching My HIME. no i'm not a pervert.

Can't wait for Wall.e to be released in Singapore. Anyone who thinks he's not adorable is seriously disturbed...hah.

270mins- no. of minutes of sleep i'm going to get tonight.

2days- to picnic at Botanics and dinner at MOF[cant wait...woots(=]

4days- to my Basic Theory Test

shu rong- ms fire-breathing dragon: bu jian bu san.

huibing- heyz. xi ke wor. thx for tagging. see ya on sat. hopefully.

2008-07-21T22:21:00.005+08:00

Food for thought.

The ugliness of the world. grim that erodes away our innocence. Little by little; ever so subtly, the clean sheet of paper that we started out with is sprawled with permanent scribbles eventually. Scars we collect and carry along with us as we move on into the unknown...

We each have our "art piece" we carry with us. But who decides whose papers get scribbled on first or how ugly it gets...who indeed...

Does the scribbles we get at a young age determine how fast we grow up or how we lead our lives eventually? And who maintains the fairness of it all? Is it even fair in the first place? honestly, i do wonder sometimes...

Maybe i've met one too many people who suffer such a predicament. Army has allowed me to glimpse a part of this ugliness. And once you've seen it, you never quite forget. Metaphorically speaking.

Random. Art by Kagaya...

is really beautiful.

After reading kester's post, i realise i miss playing badminton a lot. Probably can't swing a racket now without making a fool of myself. Sigh...the old days where playing badminton was all we did is long gone. Memories playing like a film without sound[Vitamin C] .

Anyway, for those who even still give a damn...i'm still surviving. i miss you guys. hope to meet up soon.

2008-07-18T00:02:00.003+08:00

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY!!!

DENIS

Friend of 115 days...yes i counted. i hope u see this coz i put in some effort to make this collage!! haha...Happy Birthday!!! nineTEEN and a step closer to the big twenty. treasure your teen-hood cause its only gonna last one more year. JUST ONE!!! Enjoy yourself at MPTS and i hope you like the present the 8 of us bought.(=

p.s i spelt Dennis on the card on purpose..hah.

2008-07-17T22:31:00.004+08:00

What do you do when it all falls apart?[The Veronicas] Honestly, what CAN you do but pray and hold on to all your beliefs and hope that something/anything will come and save you from this living hell. Sigh...

On a lighter note, i believe i've neglected this blog for quite some time. Its just been really tiring recently(though i've not done much). Still trying to figure out what is it thats gotten into me. Army life's pretty mundane right about now since we have nothing much to do in camp as our commander is busying himself with other more important stuffs. The only thing keeping me going is those little moments that occur which you will treasure eventually as time passes on. I've just realised it sooner. Funny moments. Time spent bitching about this person and that. The minimal "sai kangs" [shitty jobs] that we are entrusted to do. And time spent crapping everywhere we go. But things are going to change as National Day draws to a close a.k.a more training and duties. Shucks. But looking back, i realise that i've been blessed with the best commanders, units and section bunk mates everywhere they throw me. And even then they threw me in the right direction. i dont believe in coincidences. Guess i'll have GOD to thank for these.

Anyway army duty sucks a lot coz it always occur on the days i'm going out with my friends which means i'm always missing out on outings!!! its not fair!!! darn it...its not the first, second or third time its happening. i'm gradually losing contact with the outside world and its scaring me. Ahhhh...!!!

On to a whole new topic...i saw lenard ong kee kee on the MRT this morning. It was actually quite shocking because he was sitting right beside me and i didnt notice it was him at first. i was like "who's this crazy person staring at me......OMG!!!" Crazy day huh?

Later on today, i went out with boon shopping for denis' present at Westmall while the nice auntie at Green Adventure sewed the LCP rank. Settled for a bag coz i couldn't think of anything else to buy that may come in handy. its actually pretty cheapo since its shared among 8 people...hah. And i forgot to zip up my zipper for the whole trip and only realised it at JE MRT. Like Ooh My God!!! It was so embarassing.

Hopefully things can stay this lively for as long as possible(minus the zipper bit). I really need some divine intervention here.

where'd you go...i miss you so...seems like its been forever that you've been gone...please come back home...

2008-07-06T01:09:00.006+08:00

Get Smart. Witty and humourous with a "not so" unexpected twist near the end. The kind which u usually go "i knew it!" when the plot unveals. But nonetheless, it got me laughing a lot throughout the show. And if it can get the whole theatre laughing at one point or another, it deserves some applause.

Watched the movie at Orchard Cineleisure with Jeffrey who's gonna go Sydney Australia to further his studies in a few days time. The rest of the Da Bians couldn't make it. Ah wells...just had to make do with what we had. Went shopping for a luggage and some other daily neccesities for him to use overseas. And Robbinsons is clearly not the place to shop for daily neccesities...overpriced. A spoon for more than $5 is overkill. Had some fun crapping around and reminiscing about the good ol' days in PJC. Walked around Robbinsons and OG looking at random stuff and i so fell in love with egyptian cotton. One day...one day i will buy a tempur bed complete with bolster and pillow wrapped in egyptian cotton. Snuggling under that smooth silky texture of a blanket would be...indescribable. Maybe it's wishful thinking but hey...its not like it costs money.

Took a picture before we went our seperate ways. Bad lighting though...or maybe lousy camera. Take your pick. Guessing it would be quite long before we meet again.

To kester for helping me spell luggage correctly...thanks.

To jeff and also to suyin who's going switzerland on mon though for a completely different reason...bon voyage! tC.

2008-07-05T04:28:00.003+08:00

A bath and a post away from complete knock-out. it is currently 4.30 in the morning.

Got back home at 2a.m after a session of late night lan-gaming with the usual gang of guys. i couldn't have chosen a better timing to reach home, catching my mum on her way out to work. Nagging...nagging. i know, 2a.m was probably too much. Well as it always goes- when feeling guilty, push the blame to someone else. So blame Kester "bitch" Ng. (: yup...definitely feels better.

Sk's head is as bald as it is gonna get, immediately abolishing any need for him to bring along his USUAL "mirror, wax, spray" kit. No more touching of his fringe every 5secs. It'll probably do him good anyway. Maybe i am painting too bad a picture......Naw. Hope he doesn't read this though..hah

Got tricked into going to jec's mac in the evening through a sly manipulation of words on kester's part. A case of an unspoken assumption that we would still be going to the movies while he conveniently forgets to mention it over the phone. he did try to make it up by suggesting a later timeslot though fate wasn't on our side and the later timeslot was way too late which was why we ended up opting for lan-gaming instead. Now lan-gaming on the other hand, it can never get too late.(:

Nevertheless, i did enjoy my time at mac listening to all the girls' recent escapades. zoe and shiya's online shopping thrills and jeanna's nus industrial design camp stories. Except when the uni topic came up, as it always does. Shucks. Hah.

Whatever...gotta go sleep. The Z-Monster attacks.

Jin tze- thx...haha hopefully i'll make it eventually though you'll still be one year ahead.
Kester- i forgot which lord of the rings character u were...lol
Jeanna- always trying to...honest

2008-07-02T23:55:00.017+08:00

Less than a month left to my basic theory driving test and i haven't even started reading the book. Guess i'll never kick the habit of last minute cramping. I'll just have to camp near Buddha's legs when the test date draws close. Reckon i might fail the btt on my first try...ha! great.

Meanwhile, i'm becoming more and more absent-minded these days. This is like the umpteenth time i've locked myself outside the house by not bringing the keys with me. Its really frustrating to sit outside the corridor, waiting for someone to come home. especially when it happens back to back on consecutive days. such a waste of time. can't seem to understand why i keep forgetting the keys.

My new phone has this really retarded feature where long messages can't be read because the msg pops back up to the top before i can finish reading the msg. And thats almost all the time. Why would LG make a hp model that renders the messaging system useless!? Strange...

Anyway i'm feeling rather bored and evil today so i've reached into my well of photograghs and managed to dig out some horrible and stupid looking candids...and others. Those who are featured...just count yourself unlucky...hah. Yes Kester, you're feature (:

First up, izzah...

did a reshoot and...

much better(:

alvin spoilt the shot by flashing his goofy grin.

buddha wannabes...

pretty gross..

And lastly, to prevent karma from biting my ass...

myself.

Life isn't always a bed of roses

2008-06-29T23:20:00.003+08:00

I came to the conclusion that life isn't always a bed of roses a long time ago, but it's only been recent that i've come to accept it. Nothing like a big smack in the face by reality to pull me back down from cloud number...hmm lost track of the last one i've been to. I guess i've always lived life like it was meant to be- no big rejections, no major downfalls. I've pretty much been hopping from one cloud to another- conjuring up champagne hopes and caviar dreams- that of one day living the 'high' life. Which inevitably led to the "taking life for granted" all time favourite and popular mistake taken up by youths. Turns out that one nasty rejection letter was all it took to shatter my dreams and hopes. Yes. I am wallowing in my self-pity which is rather pathetic and annoying but its my future i'm concern about so bite me. Having never been rejected from something as important as a university placing, you can probably imagine how i took it. yup a REALLIE big smack in the face. But for once in my life, it has made me think about the position i am in. About my future- which looks rather bleak right about now. This is probably old story already and i have been through the usual process of emotional rejection/acceptance but i just felt like penning it down. And i promise i wouldn't whine about it anymore. Life isn't always a bed of roses...and i understand that now.

p.s thanks to all those who have helped me survive that rejection/acceptance process though you may not know how much an impact you have made. Corny and mushy but truthfully, thanks a bunch.
To jeanna, for having that small talk today- I really needed that. Gd luck tomorrow (:
Here's to wishing all the best to the girls who successfully made it to university. And the guys? Let's just aim to ord first.

SALUTATION

2008-06-22T20:35:00.000+08:00

Me? I'm a simpleton, just like everyone- running the race to the finishing line of which we have no idea what happens after. But right now...i'm taking a time out serving ns for our dear Singapore.

I'm pretty much a toad in a well (chinese idiom describing a "xua gu" person, a jack of several trades but a master of none. I bitch, whine, complain, grumble and gripe my way through life...yes thats how i live and thats my life for ya.